Ghost Town (2008)

A handsomely witty film that will make you laugh out loud while gently tugging at your heart.

David Koepp (Secret Window, Stir of Echoes) bring us this hauntingly enjoyable tale of a wannabe playboy, New York smooth talker named Frank (Greg Kinnear, Baby Mama, Little Miss Sunshine) who finds himself recently deceased after an unfortunate air conditioner accident. He teams up with a frumpy, lost soul from the land of the living, a dentist by the name of Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais, Night at The Museum) who recently was revived from a near death experience during a routine procedure at a local hospital. Now with the ability to see the dead, and being annoyed at every turn by them, Dr. Pincus is hounded by Frank with a request to break up his widow Gwen's (Téa Leoni, Fun with Dick and Jane , bad Boys) marriage to her new beau. In doing so, Bertram finds himself stuck in a supernatural love triangle.

I started off the night watching Management, but the audio was eff'd on my copy, so I reluctantly picked up this film... and glad I did. This was definitely one of those heart warming, feel good movies where you really connected with the main characters and really hoped for the best. I'm not even a Ricky Gervais fan, I actually hate the office, but in this film, his timing and delivery were just, a bit of perfection. The scene where he is being wheeled down the hall in the hospital, and the conversation with the surgeon (Kristen Wiig, SNL, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story) had me cracking up long after the scene had passed. With all the laughs it delivers, it's bound to draw a tear or two from the romantic types. It's a really good mash-up, really earning the title of "Romantic Comedy." I definitely recommend this for your next date night.

7.0/10

Rated: PG-13
102 mins

Seventh Moon (2008)

"According to Chinese myth, the dead are freed to walk among the living during the seventh full moon." Creepy enough for you?

From the director of The Blair Witch Project and Altered, comes yet another romp in the woods as American newlyweds Melissa (Amy Smart, Mirrors, Crank) and Yul (Tim Chiou) are in China to visit Yul's family. It just so happens to be at the time of the traditional Hungry Ghost Festival. After spending a day in the city, they fall asleep as their tour guide Ping (Dennis Chan, Kickboxer) leaves them stranded just outside a remote village. From here on out they learn that many Chinese who leave offerings, seemingly silly in fact, believe all too well in the horrors that awaits those who don't.

You know, except for a few things, this movie really appealed to me. It wasn't your typical Japanese horror type flick, and though I love those, I still liked this one. They used the supernatural myth idea seen in many of the genre, but it seemed to be more suited for a Western audience if you know what I'm saying. Acting was okay, "baddies" were extremely creepy and real, music helped tone and pace the film... but camera work, it could have used a freakin' steady cam or something sheesh. The movie overall got the blood pumping with the intensity of some of the scenes where you were sure they would be caught, excellent suspense. For a bargain bin horror movie, you can't go wrong here.

A little side note regarding the basis of the story. The Chinese Ghost Festival, which very much is celebrated in the same way as Mexico's Dia de Los Muertos (Day of The Dead) and in a way comparable to our Halloween here in the US, is generally held on the 14th day of the 7th lunar month (of the Chinese Calendar). It's a day where the living leave offerings and pay respects to their ancestors. The offerings are usually burned, and the smoke carries the gifts to the deceased in the heavens. Other traditions involve leaving paper lanterns out at night to guide lost spirits to their resting place.

6.5/10

Rated: R
87 mins

Dark Country (2009)

A stylized thriller in the story telling vain of The Twilight Zone, this film serves you up a value meal, but regrettably forgot your fries.

In his directorial debut, Thomas Jane (Hung, The Mist) also stars as Dick, a man who wakes up a newly wed in Las Vegas and can't remember how or why. Accepting his nuptial fate, and along with his new bride Gina (Lauren German, Hostel: Part II), they head out across the desert at night to start their new life together. A few wrong turns later, they come across a one car wreck where they pull a bloodied, disfigured man into their car and race to save his life. "But their decision to save the man becomes increasingly regrettable when he turns on them, forcing the newlyweds to do the unthinkable. In a blur of paranormal chaos, the couple must take drastic measures to cover up their actions from the local police (Ron Perlman, Sons of Anarchy, Hellboy), ultimately leading each character to an inescapable fate."

I'm not sure I've really fully digested this movie or not, but here goes. I like Thomas Jane, really I do, but seriously? Perhaps throwing some others into the two leads may have made a difference, or maybe because of the style of the movie, it was supposed to be like that... but the acting, I just didn't feel it. Though I must confess that was an excellent way to make an ice cube disappear ;) I really loved the style of the movie, very Sin City like, however... it was also extremely distracting. Too many angles of the same shot with different lighting and whatnot, it completely disconnected me. For the first 15 minutes it was interesting, after that, too much. The story was pretty cool, but definitely something you could have watched in an hour episode of The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits, with commercials.

5.1/10

Rated: R
88 mins

The Hills Run Red (2009)

Having similarities to other movies in the genre is not always a bad thing, and this handsomely bloody flick proves that imitation is the best form of flattery.

In this finely tuned death-fest, Dave Parker directs the story of Tyler (Tad Hilgenbrink, Disaster Movie, American Pie Presents Band Camp), a film student obsessed with a long lost, ultra-taboo film that he vows to himself to unearth and bring credit where credit is due. After finding the now grown-up little girl from the movie, and the directors daughter Alexa (Sophie Monk, Spring Breakdown), Tyler volunteers his girlfriend Serina (Janet Montgomery, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead) and his buddy Lalo on a expedition traveling to the scenes found from production stills and the only known footage of the movie, the trailer. Alexa leads them through middle of nowhere, dense forest in search of the house where she spent her childhood, and where daddy kept all his film stuff. But between bad news locals and a demented, real life killer who's kept the movie going for all these years, who will be the last to survive and bring new light to the lost horror?

It's so much fun watching these straight to video movies, and though hoping for the best, you expect the worst. Thankfully this one landed in the "for the best" category. It started off slow, but after finding Alexa, the movie really picked up to a watchable pace. The acting, though not A-class, was pretty standard of a B film so I was happy with that. The cinematography and music really, really helped frame the situations, without it, this movie could have been a dumper. From first glance of the cover, you might think The Hills Have Eyes... well the title is the only similarity to it. This movie has more in common with Wrong Turn than anything else. The gore and special effects were pretty sweet, I can only think of one scene where it didn't look believable. The twist at three quarters through was pretty predictable, but the last five minutes are pretty insane, in the clinical sense.

6.7/10

Rated: R
81 mins

The Thaw (2009)

Think "The Thing" and you'll be left out in the cold. Think, worthwhile, interesting film, and you won't get much warmer.

Mark A Lewis directs the inevitably compared to "The Thing" story of a group of scientists, lead by Dr. Kruipen (Val Kilmer, Red Planet, The Saint) who stumble across a long frozen parasite that infects organisms and brings about a rather painful death. For an unknown reason, Kruipen allows a group of students, who are inadvertently are accompanied by Kruipen's daughter Evelyn (Martha MacIsaac, The last House on The Left) to venture out to the tundra laden, isolated base camp where they uncover the grizzly truth about what's been going on. Debating between getting help, or staying put to keep the parasite from spreading, they battle each other as one by one they succumb.

This film really had potential, but a few, well... more than a few things held it back. One, the acting... blegh. Though Val Kilmer did not play a lengthy role, he sucked for the time he was there. Most of the supporting cast really didn't support much, let alone their own weight. I thought Martha MacIsaac and Aaron Ashmore were half decent however. The story was very slow moving, too much for my taste, and it really didn't add much ya know, it's been done. Unless you're a germ-a-phobe (so it might actually scare you), or someone really into parasite invading human type movies, this is just an average, B movie that I'd recommend passing up for something you'll remember the next day.

5.9/10

Rated: R
94 mins

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

"Poison, Drowning, Claw, Or Knife. So Many Ways To Take A Life." An amazing, multifaceted holiday themed film full of dark humor and think-for-yourself terror. Sure to become a yearly screener for Halloween parties everywhere.

Michael Dougherty directs a patchwork of stories that loop around and become one during a relative small towns' amazing Halloween celebrations. "Nothing is what it seems when a suburban couple learns the dangers of blowing out a Jack-o-Lantern before midnight; four women cross paths with a costumed stalker at a local festival; a group of pranksters goes too far and discovers the horrifying truth buried in a local legend; and a cantankerous old hermit is visited by a strange trick-or-treater with a few bones to pick." "The rituals of All Hallows Eve were devised to protect us from their evil mischief, and one small town is about to be taught a terrifying lesson that some traditions are best not forgotten."

This is the first review I've ever NOT written the above summary/synopsis for on my blog. I usually like to use my own words to best describe what happened. But in this case, Warner Bros. said it best, and I really couldn't have done any better to portray to you what this movie was all about.

I first remember seeing this movie on the shelves at Wal*Mart quite some time ago, and passed it off as just another straight to DVD crapfest. Well let me tell you, this movie is arguably the best Halloween themed movie EVER. It's a travesty that this film was not in wide release at theaters all over. It really was perfect, and that's no exaggeration. The acting, cinematography, special effects (non CGI mind you), the story, the music... it was all perfect. Classified as horror, I can tell you not to expect any torture-porn style gore or anything like that. The story itself and the situations are enough to bring the fear. I'm not really sure how else to convey to you that this is a MUST SEE, no matter what the season... and if you see it on your next trip to Wally World, spend the few bucks, you'll be glad you did! And I mean come on, "The Kid" from Bad Santa is in it, what more can I say!?

As a side note, I wanted to point out a few names of the actors in the film. As it's not your standard movie with one or two stars, but a plethora of stories each led by their own "star." So here goes: Anna Paquin (TrueBLOOD), Brian Cox, Dylan Baker, Tahmoh Penikett (Dollhouse), Quinn Lord, and Brett Kelly.

8.6/10

Rated: R
82 mins

The Shortcut (2009)

A tasty teen horror where an old man with a dark secret will make you heed the warning of the next "No Trespassing" sign you come across.

Half a century ago some teens go missing after taking a shortcut through some dense woods on private property, and a legend is born. This is the setting of Nicholaus Goosen's (Grandma's Boy) horror thriller where some curious teenagers lead by Derek (Andrew Seeley), are off to explore an old man's private land after his brother is threatened in the woods after being dared to take the shortcut. Teaming up with a high school football player, Taylor (Josh Emerson), who is in search of his missing dog, they head off for some answers. There is little time for teen romance while friends come to grizzly ends as little do they know that the old man has a secret he's been hiding for years, and it's worth killing for.

Lots of unjust reviews for this film. However, I personally thought it was pretty average, which is way better than what a lot of people have said. Straight off, for a non theater released B movie, the acting and production value was feature film quality. I was pleasantly surprised. It was nice seeing Josh Emerson, who I just recently saw in a small part in I Love You, Beth Cooper, have a larger role with more substance. The story was your basic old scrooge who keeps to himself so beware type, but with a few twists near the end that really helped set it apart. Typical of the genre? Absolutely, but you could do a lot worse.

6.6/10

Rated: PG-13
85 mins

Pandemic (2009)

Where's the pandemic? That's what you'll be asking yourself after watching this story that has been better told via other outlets.

Jason Connery (The Devil's Tomb) directs this straight to video, para military bio-scare film starring Alesha Rucci as Sydney Stevens, a small town Veterinarian who is called to investigate strange, seemingly viral infections that are killing horses at a extremely fast rate from symptoms to death. A call to the CDC prompts the U.S. Army, under the command of General Matthews (Ray Wise, Reaper), to quarantine the entire county and all of it's occupants. Sydney, along with an eccentric, seriously quacked rancher named Spencer (Peter Holden), they try to outrun the Generals henchmen and get the truth out beyond the quarantine before it's too late.

I seriously wasted good offshore sleep time for this? Excellent plot, horrible execution. Lots of bad acting, no easier way to say it. And whoever thinks that the leads eye-candy helps save the film should be shot. You'd figure after the director made that crap flick with Cuba Gooding Jr (The Devil's Tomb), he'd have learned a few tricks in how not to suck the next time. Even my favorite TV Satan from Reaper, Ray Wise, was uncharacteristically disappointing. However, whoever did the digital effects on the blood vessels really had to have used all the films budget, it was good work. Makeup was on par with better movies as well.

4.5/10

Rated: R
90 mins

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)

Simply a shameless twist to a timeless Dickens classic, stripped of its meat and left to entertain the hounds with nothing but a loose plot, and looser morals.

Mark Waters (Just Like Heaven, Freaky Friday) directs the story of Conner Mead (Matthew McConaughey, Fool's Gold, Failure to Launch), a pretentious man’s man, lover of all, love of none. He’s a highly sought after and respected celebrity photographer, known almost as much for his sexual prowess as his shutter skills. On a trip back to his Uncle's (Michael Douglas) mansion for his little brother’s wedding, he tries to spread his contagion of anti-love and marriage amongst the crowd, even giving his brother his keys to make the escape. Ending the night in a drunken stupor, he’s visited by his diseased Uncle who informs him he’ll be visited by three ghosts representing his past, present and future girlfriends, to show him the error of his mega-bachelor ways and show him what he’s been missing his whole life, Jenny (Jennifer Garner, Juno, Elektra). The supporting cast (Breckin Meyer, Emma Stone) ride Conner the whole way while he considers the warnings brought before him as he tries to run from his past.

Maybe you women aren’t getting tired of it, but I sure am. Surely Matt's got more substance than this and can peg roles outside of being the biggest dick in the world that seems to be a woman magnet *cough* Fool's Gold and Failure to Launch *cough*, but he does it well, and studios know he sells. Too bad Jennifer Garner looked like crap in this movie comparatively. The movie itself, less than stellar acting and juvenile humor aside, I could have done without it. The only character I actually liked from the whole movie was Emma Stone (Zombieland, Superbad), she’s great. Funny, spunky, spot on. The movie was just soulless I guess is was I’m really getting at. It hoped to bank off of the classic Scrooge-isms, and really, it tried hard. Just wasn’t for me I guess, but I really could see plenty of you McConaughey chick flick fans will love every bit of it. It does get rather sappy, but you’d have to believe someone like the character could really change like that to even consider shedding a tear.

6.1/10

Rated: PG-13
100 mins

District 9 (2009)

Filled with sociological satire, this Sci-Fi thriller hits a deep one to center in a visually pleasing home-run that's sure to appeal to a broad audience.

Neill Blomkamp directs this story of a ginormous space ship full of malnourished aliens appearing over Johannesburg, South Africa. Initially welcomed and cared for, an ever growing populace is beginning to burden an already disheveled human existence. The refugee camp where the aliens are located has deteriorated into a militarized ghetto called District 9, where they are confined and exploited in squalor. Multi-National United is then sent in to forcibly evict the population with operative Wikus van der Merwe (Sharlto Copley) in charge. In this operation, Wikus is exposed to a strange alien biochemical, and must join forces with the "Prawns" not only to cure himself, but save their species from destruction on earth.

Why did I never see this in the theater? It would have been worth my $10! It was supremely enjoyable, more so from the middle to the end, but that completely makes up for the beginning. In what felt marketed to me as a Sci-Fi Horror movie, this film really gets its message across. What is portrays of who we are as humans is despicable to say the least, and damned near 100% true. As great as the movie looks and feels, sadly it left me with just so many questions. Where did they come from? What are they exactly? How do they understand English? How do we understand their language? They are bigger, stronger, and more technologically advanced then us, so how have we banished them to India-esque slums without retribution? As aggravated as I was, having connected with the main characters by the end, I got it. My eyes were opened, and I now see what needs to be done... watch this!

8.1/10

Rated: R
112 mins

Next Day AIr (2009)

What appeared as a typical "black" comedy turns out to be well executed story of money, deception, and murder. Not quite what it seems as Next Day Air proves, "it's all in the delivery."

Hip-Hop music video director Benny Boom brings us the dysfunctional story of a day in the life of ten individuals whose paths will cross in a unforeseen series of events. Donald Faison (Scrubs) stars as Leo, a soon to be fired delivery driver who mistakenly drops off the right package to the wrong people. Small time thugs Brody (Mike Epps) and Guch (Wood Harris) work fast to move the product and score a big payday, but the original owner is hot and on a rampage to take back his goods. Watch the weed induced humor as the supporting cast (Omari Hardwick, Emilio Rivera, Cisco Reyes, and the always funny Mos Def) flips the scripts and heads start to roll.

While not being what I expected, it was enough to keep me entertained. From the previews and the actors, I really thought it would be your average, typical comedy in the vain of Friday, but that was not the case (though Mike Epps does use a line from the first few minutes of Friday After Next). The acting was surprisingly good for a cast, other than the main players, who haven't seemed to be in much more than TV. It was fun to see a serious crime plot involve such small time goons, especially ones high on weed. But is that not how it always is? People without a clue land a hopeful payday at the expense of big time mafioso? What I'm saying is that it is a painfully unoriginal story. These days, making it "in the hood" isn't enough to carry a film.

6.5/10

Rated: R
84 mins

Orphan (2009)

In what first appears as another possessed child knock-off, Orphan delivers an unexpectedly suspenseful drama that not not only throw you for a loop, but make you think twice about adopting.

John (Peter Sarsgaard, In The Electric Mist, The Skeleton Key) and Kate (Vera Farmiga, Nothing But The Truth, The Departed), not of the "plus 8 variety", recently lost a child at birth. But wanting to extend that love to a child in need, they decided to adopt, and add another member to their family. Jaume Collet-Serra (House of Wax) directs the story as they visit a small home for girls and adopt Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman) who turns out to not be as innocent as she lets on. Mysterious injuries, deaths, and threats all surround Esther and she plays the family in a manipulative manner not unlike that of a master puppeteer. But she's only nine year old... right? "Can you keep a secret?"

Horror movie right? Well sorta... it's more suspenseful than really what you might classify as a horror flick, and the direction really plays to it. The music really helps bring you to the edge of your seat before unleashing what's around the corner, if anything at all. The movie, because of the twist which is supremely original, was totally not what I expected, and I mean that in a good way. It's hard really to express how I really feel about the movie without giving it away, but just know I thoroughly enjoyed it. The acting was executed perfectly, even by the children, and the cinematography was encompassing. This movie really goes through the list pertaining to the emotions it instills: Sorrow, Grief, Fear, Rage, Disgust and plain 'ol WTF!?

Sit down with a friend and watch this perverse take on a familiar story, it'll leave plenty to talk about afterward. Recommended to everyone, unless you're in the market for a new kid.

8.5/10

Rated: R
123 mins

I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009)

Were you the quiet kid in school and never felt like you got out and did or said the things you always wanted to say or do? Do you look back at your time in High School and wish things went differently? This flick shows you just how different it could have been, but is really just another teen movie where the unknown loser picks up the hot popular girl.

Based on the book by Larry Doyle, Chris Columbus (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Stepmom) directs this stereotypical teen comedy where Dennis Cooverman (Paul Rust, Inglorious Basterds), the school valedictorian lets it all out during his graduation speech, and professes his love for the girl he's sat behind in nearly every class since being a Freshman, Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere, Heroes). In doing so he sets off a series of events that will become the only night from High School he will ever remember. Alongside his might be gay best friend Rich (Jack Carpenter), they cross paths with every person Dennis called out in his speech, and just hope to make it through the night alive. It's amazing how "five little words can change your life."

It's really amazing how many times studios can put out the same story over and over again. This film delivers absolutely nothing original, but at least what it does do isn't terrible. Perhaps it would have been a little better with a much more "real" Dennis. The character just seemed so engrossed in nerd-dom that it was impossible to believe he'd even have the social skills to survive five minutes with normal human interaction. The overall theme to the movie reminded way too much of Superbad, not that it's a bad thing, but Superbad was many times better. Thankfully there was saving grace to this movie in the form of Hayden Panettiere, she's one of the few main characters who seemed comfortable in her role, and managed to really convey the feeling of someone who knows their life peaked in High School.

This is one of those movies you watch when all the really good movies have dried up. It will definitely be in the bargain bin at Wal*Mart in no time. That being said, you could do worse.

6.5/10

Rated: PG-13
102 mins

Land of The Lost (2009)

Movies made from TV shows usually can't hold their own. Especially those made from old TV shows... old TV shows that they themselves didn't last very long, though well received they may have been. But in spite of that, Land of The Lost shines with the humor we've come to expect from it's stars while bringing new life to a thirty year old classic.

Brad Siberling (Lemony Snicket, City of Angels) directs this outlandish romp through a parallel dimension where shunned theoretical scientist Rick Marshall (Will Ferrell, Step Brothers, Semi-Pro), his swooning admirer Holly (Anna Friel, Pushing Daisies) and their uneducated, redneck of a cave guide Will (Danny McBride, Tropic Thunder, Pineapple Express) are transported to a world where "past, present and future mash up together." With the help of primate like being, they travel the land in search of the device that brought them here, and ultimately, can bring them home. Against all odds facing starved, monster mosquitoes and intellectual Tyrannosaurs, they must come face to face with the Sleestak not only to get home, but to save the world as they know it.

Had I gone on my gut, or listened to any general reviews of this movie, I wouldn't have wasted my time. But being out here floating in the Gulf of Mexico you tend to watch things you normally wouldn't. But this is one of those rare occasions where I'm 100% happy I went against the grain. From start to finish this movie does what all movies intend, entertain you. It's no blockbuster, but it's completely engrossing and a pleasure to watch. Will Ferrell delivers exactly what I've come to expect and Danny McBride compliments him beautifully. The story seems to fast forward in some places, leaving you wondering why or how something might be going on, but it's subtle enough to allow you to get past it and continue on enjoying the humor which is intended for adults. That's one thing that threw me off. From the previews it appears to be geared towards children, but believe me, between the homosexual, psychedelically induced sleep pattern and the rest of the sexually charged humor, this is no kids movie. So go out and watch this with an open mind, and allow yourself to laugh, you'll be glad you did.

7.1/10

Rated: PG-13
102 mins

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

In a new twist to the longtime battle of good and evil, Drag Me To Hell adds yet another chapter to the fear driven mayhem and blood curdling screams of a genre already saturated with ghouls and goblins.

Sam Raimi (Spider-Man, The Grudge) directs the story of Christine Brown (Alison Lohman, Gamer, Flicka), a loan officer at a small bank branch, who is striving to get ahead in life and prove to everyone she isn't just some hick from back on the farm. In her duties, and need of a promotion, she's prompted to deny an elderly lady as she implores to save her home. In doing so she is taunted towards insanity by a supernatural force summoned by the shamed old woman. Along with her boyfriend Clay (Justin Long, He's Just Not That Into You, Waiting...) she seeks the help of a seer to banish the demons and reclaim her life before dark forces drag her to hell.

I wanted to see this movie the moment I saw the trailer online months ago. It looked enticingly intense and evil as can be. Glad i wasn't disappointed! The opening sequence is enough to give children nightmares for years. The moments of the movie where Christine fights to stay sane, both mentally and physically, are eerily realistic and bone chillingly tense. Justin Long added his snarky, typecast self to his role as Christine's boyfriend, and it worked. It usually does with him, but I thought it may have been a stretch this time. Thankfully his character provided the sound minded contrast to the main character's openness of the unseen and supernatural. I really thought the last twenty minutes were going to be as predictable as let on, but they movie excelled at misdirection, keeping you on your toes for that next moment. This helping should easily satisfy the appetite of horror fans waiting for the next big scare.

7.3/10

Rated: PG-13
99 mins.

Brüno (2009)

Brüno is well… hmm, hell, what is Brüno? It’s a see once and forget, shockingly funny, and seriously wrong film that revolves around an exiled fashion flamer who wants to re-image himself in the US. Did I say see once and forget?

Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat) as Bruno, is directed by Larry Charles (Mad About You, Entourage) in this audacious shock comedy about a homosexual Austrian fashionista who becomes blacklisted all over the UK and feels the need to reinvent himself stateside. With his trusty Assistants’ Assistant in tow, he begins a journey that will take him to levels he never though possible. From attempts to seduce politicians, father an African baby, and even give up his way of life in pursuit of straight fame, Brüno goes the gamut to reclaim his stardom and become, “the biggest Austrian celebrity since Hitler.”

As ridiculous as Borat was, it was interestingly curious to witness the state of our society in regards to someone as seemingly naïve as the character portrayed. In that sense, again Cohen excels, but in doing so may have fanned the flames of homophobia across the US. The blatant attacks on the Catholic Church and Southern “Good ‘ol Boys”, while outrageously funny, were hard to watch and borderline inappropriate. But that’s what this movie is all about, shock value… and there is plenty of it, but at what cost? All of the antics were crude and perverse, and many of the situations bewitchingly embarrassing. It was fun to watch the first time, but never again.

To close, I don’t recommend this film to anyone who doesn’t have a homosexual friend, or is extremely aware of gay culture. The movie can be fun to watch, but painful for all parties involved. It would otherwise just add to your disgust and discontent of an entire grouping of people all over the globe. But ask yourself this, “How do you protect yourself from a dildo?”

5.7/10

Rated: R
81 mins.

The Hangover (2009)

The Hangover is an amazing story of friendship that pulls out all the stops, but tends to drop the ball a bit in my court. I say that, but don't think for a minute this is not a must-see comedy, and by chance the comedy movie of 2009.

Todd Phillips (Old School) directs a trio of drunken goofballs led by Phil Wenneck (Bradley Cooper, He's Just Not That In To You, The Rocker), who take their soon to be married friend Doug (Justin Bartha, National Treasure) out for a night of debauchery in none other than Sin City itself, Las Vegas. Fast forward one mindless night that no one can remember, with a side of tiger in the closet, and you have the making of comedy genius. The guys wake the next morning with no teeth, no pants, and... no Doug! Zack Galifianakis, Ed Helms and Heather Graham round off the supporting cast (which might throw a surprise or two your way) as laughs ensue while the guys try to piece back together their night and find Doug in time for the wedding.

The story may not be original, but it takes plenty of liberties that really make it its own laughable entity. The movie really works. There are so many high points that even the low ones don't seem to blemish this laugh out loud comedy. Granted, the ending may not live up to the rest of the movie, and the music a bit dated (and at the same time fitting seamlessly into the scenes) but the acting was top notch and the comedy not too low brow for classic connoisseurs to detest. It really does go to show that, "some guys just can't handle Vegas."

I’d like to end by stating that I saw this movie five months after its release and had been filled with all the hype from my peers. Maybe I just didn't want to let myself hear this was a "two thumbs up" or "5 star" comedy... but I didn't have to because it really proved itself. Go see it, because if you don't, you'll just be the guy who hasn't yet.

8.1/10

Rated: R
99 mins. / 108 mins. (Unrated)

Up (2009)

Pixar has yet again outdone itself with this animated masterpiece worthy of the greats. To me, this was a splendid, albeit rather unexpected ride into the heart of love at its best, and the power it brings those who harness its goodness.

Up is the story of a chance reunion between two star-crossed children who are enamored with the expeditions of one Charles Muntz (voiced by Christopher Plummer, The Lake House, Inside Man), a self proclaimed explorer extraordinaire. The two grow old together, promising to one day visit the spot of Muntzs’ greatest discovery and biggest failure. As fate turns, Carl (voiced by Ed Asner, Elf) becomes a widower, but vows to keep his promise… and take the house with him. From there all sorts of outrageous events happen that truly test the strength of love. Accompanying Carl for the trip is a means well, super ambitious scout who is trying to get his last badge for promotion by “assisting the elderly.” And assist he does. Together they float towards the Amazon to make sure Carl’s lifelong pledge is upheld… even if it means denouncing his boyhood idol.

I really enjoyed Up, and am not ashamed to say that after the first fifteen minutes or so I had tears in my eyes. I definitely did not foresee the sappiness. But it gets much more “up”-lifting, pardon the pun, with the introduction of the young scout. I expected a movie about an old grump, a la Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men, who just wanted to get away from it all. Who knew there would be so much colorful adventure? The characters meld beautifully, the animation is flawless, voice overs are superb, story is solid, though not airtight… all in all a fabulous, adventuresome journey to “South America. It’s like America, only South.”

8.7/10

Rated: PG
96 mins.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009)

This remake of the 1974 film of the same name delivers unexpectedly, but ultimately adds nothing to the original. It's best described as an old car with a new paint job, but still purrs like a kitten.

Denzel Washington (American Gangster, Inside Man) takes on the character originally played by Walter Matthau, Lt. Zachary Garber (though in this version, to pay homage to Matthau, the character was renamed Walter Garber) in this over the phone face-off with a criminal mastermind directed by Tony Scott (Man on Fire, Domino). Ryder (Jon Travolta, Wild Hogs, Be Cool), along with his three accomplices, are holding a NYC subway car and all of its passengers hostage, demanding a $10mil ransom. It's up to Garber to facilitate the actions therein, keeping Ryder cool and distracted, while he himself figures it all out. Is Garber in on the whole things? How could they possible escape? Is it really all about the ransom, or is someone working a hidden angle? It just makes you wonder what's, "the going rate for a New York city hostage today?"

This movie, though good, was simply just a remake. Perhaps that is what it was meant for, and not a reinvention. If it ain't broke right? The story is your classic perfect robbery scenario, where the bad guy is the only one who really knows how he's going to get away. The dialog between Denzel and Travolta was masterful, and a real pleasure to experience. The supporting cast of Luis Guzman, John Turturro and James Gandolfini all did an impeccable job of adding to the already stellar leads. I really enjoyed seeing Turturro in a role not unlike his Sector 7, awkwardly authoritative character from Transformers... he just gets no respect.

If you haven't seen the original, go ahead and give this one a whirl, there's definitely enough to keep you entertained. Otherwise, pick up a copy of Money Train, I enjoyed it a lot more.

7.4/10

Rated: R
106 mins

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen (2009)

This is the second installment of the fast paced, special effects intensive franchise that brings back my childhood. Marketed to children (why?), this visionary explosion is filled with adult humor and a sexy cast that brings one to question, it it "more than meets the eye?"

Shia LaBeouf (Eagle Eye, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) and Megan Fox (Jennifer's Body, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People) return, along with their amazing supporting cast (Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson & John Turturro) in this Michale Bay (Pearl harbor, The Island) directed sequel to 2007's box office bonanza, Transformers. Wouldn't you know tat the Autobots would once again need junior Witwicky by their side as they work to stop the evil Decepticonz from acquiring him and using his recently charged psyche to unlock the key to using Earth as their own personal power source. Lead by Optimus Prime, Sam and an a force of international armies battle the likes of a resurrected Megatron, as well as a long forgotten foe The Fallen, to save the Earth from utter destruction.

Too many people hated on this movie, and for a lot of good reasons. But letting one thing about a movie completely sway your contentment is childish and accomplishes nothing. Most Transformers nay-sayers will point to the story and all it's flaws. To that, I concede, but the basic plot is sound. My only personal objection to the movie on the whole was it's use of racial stereotypes regarding certain types of machines *cough* Mudflap and Skids *cough* All this did was contribute absurd dialogue that completely distracted you from what was really going on. But other than that, this movie was a success in my book. It was spectacularly over the top. Expect witty dialogue, awkward parental moments, and an eye-gasm of action... and let's not forget, Megan Fox is a babe.

7.8/10

Rated: PG-13
150 mins

Night at The Museum: Battle of The Smithsonian (2009)

What's the old mantra about movie sequels? Oh right, they suck. There are few exceptions (Terminator 2, Aliens, The Empire Strikes Back), and this is surely not one of them. "When the lights go off, the battle is on," is right, the battle for a better movie.

Ben Stiller (Tropic Thunder, Dodgeball) reprises his role as Larry Daley, a once down on his luck night watchman turned incentive millionaire mogul, is this sequel to the extremely popular family, adventure comedy of 2006 directed by Shawn Levy (The Pink Panther, Cheaper By The Dozen). After learning of the NYC museum restructuring and all his old friends being whisked away to storage neverland in DC, Larry returns to his life of overnight shenanigans as he travels to the capitol in order to return his friends to their rightful place. However, the magical, life giving tablet has also made the journey and now Larry must go up against the likes of the evil Pharaoh Kahmunrah (Hank Azaria, Run Fatboy Run, The Simpsons) and his legion of historical tyranny before he unleashes his minions on an unsuspecting nation. Helping him in the fight is female flying ace Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams, Doubt, Sunshine Cleaning), who develops quite the crush. They are joined by a familiar band of archaic icons, as well as some new ones, as they battle to return things to "normal."

Just as its predecessor, based on the novel by Milan Trenc, this film was received to mixed reviews, and I'm one of them. As visually entertaining and overall pleasing as it may be, its really not a good movie in the classical sense. The acting is marginal, music is blegh, and the characters a bit much, but the special effects are mesmerizing and the story epic. But I think I know what happened here. The first one grossed so much that they couldn't not make another and hope for the same. And that's exactly what happened. This movie out-grossed the original. Thankfully it was marketed as a family comedy, otherwise it wouldn't have stood a chance. The real downside though to me was that the original cast played such a small part this time around. The new characters just weren't enough to sway me. I did enjoy the playful interaction between Stiller and Adams, and Hank Azaria was his normal, masterful character actor self. I especially liked the uncredited cameo by Jonah Hill, it was the only thing that was genuinely laugh out loud in the adult perspective. A must see family favorite, but if you don't have kids it'll be hard finding a valid excuse to see it.

6.8/10

Rated: PG
105 mins

The Proposal (2009)

“Here comes the bribe,” err… bride. An old story, a modern day reality for some, is retold in this funny fling through relationship morality and what it can do to those involved, especially when fake endearment becomes true love.

Ahhh the age old adage, a sham wedding to reap the benefits. That’s the underlying tone to the Anne Fletcher (27 Dresses) directed romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock (All About Steve, Miss Congeniality) and Ryan Reynolds (Waiting…, Van Wilder). Margaret Tate is a workaholic, go-getting editor for a NYC publisher. To some a goddess, to most… Satan herself. Her assistant Andrew wants to be in her shoes, and will do whatever it takes to get there, even if it means committing a federal felony to ensure his boss doesn’t get deported because it isn’t just about her job, it’s his too. Margaret hatches a seat of the pants scheme to marry Andrew, stay in the US, and keep her job. What she doesn’t foresee is that what starts off as a fickle business arrangement turns into underlying attraction and an ultimately hilarious relationship.

The Proposal never really grabbed me in the previews, and it seemed like just another chick flick. But the movie really is funny; it just happens to be targeted at women and young couples. I loved Bullocks overpowering demeanor, she was in complete control, but was relieved to see deep down she was beautifully vulnerable and in need of something missing inside. Reynolds' straight faced humor cracked me up time and time again. The supporting players, Mary Steenburgen, Craig T. Nelson, and the fabulously funny Betty White, really pull it all together. The ending is blatantly predictable, but even though you know it’s coming, it’s hard not to feel the strong sentiment and courage behind her words. See it with your special someone and share a laugh.

7.7/10

Rated: PG-13
108 mins

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Paramount delivers an action packed thrill ride that should quench the thirst of salivating fanboys and secure the franchise for future development. True to its roots and audience, this film delivers what viewers should expect from a movie based an 80's cartoon series and iconic action figure.

"When all else fails, they don't!" That's the ego driven mantra of the world's most elite group of special operatives known only as G.I. Joe. Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, Van Helsing) directs this live action adaptation of every young boys cherished action adventure toys. Channing Tatum (Public Enemies, Step Up) and Marlon Wayons (Little Man, White Chicks) star as Duke and Ripcord, two US Army hotshots who inadvertently team up with G.I. Joe after their tasking to transport a sensitive package for NATO goes awry. Along with an amazing supporting cast (Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Rachel Nichols, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt) the new "Joes" enter into a battle an international force lead by the jaded James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), to reclaim their package of warheads and save the world from a major catastrophe. They'll be up against the the cunningly beautiful Baroness (Sienna Miller) and heaps of nanotech controlled soldiers as they fight their way to McCullen and his scientific mastermind known only as, The Doctor.

This is another action flick that was taken way too seriously by "real" critics. They apparently missed that this movie delivered exactly what it should have. It's a mans man movie with plenty of gratuitous, nonsensical, over the top action... it's G.I. Joe for eff's sake, what more do you want!? In lieu of that point, there was not much character development, but any fan of the cartoon would have no problems connecting the dots, and any 8-14 year old wouldn't care about that anyway. The intertwined relationships between characters on both sides of the war was especially interesting, and the action sequences along with eh special effects were as good as they get. Surprisingly, Wayons wasn't too much of a distraction from the rest of the film like I thought he might be. His humor fit in well, I was pleased. The acting is par for the course, nothing great, and the story flowed well. Even the brief cameo by Brendan Fraser was as fun as it was unexpected.

If you watch this movie expecting some deep, moody war drama, think again. It's a no brains, all brawn super action flick, simple as that. Expect that from the beginning and you'll be sure to enjoy this as much as any other mid to late 20 year old.

8.2/10

Rated: PG-13
118 mins

Star Trek (2009)

Reinventing a classic is not an easy task to do, but Paramount gives us a young, star studded vision in to the hit series, enduring for nearly 40 years, that doesn’t disappoint.

A time traveling evil is on the loose and an unsuspecting Starfleet crew is going to encounter the toughest test their have young crew has ever faced. J.J. Abrams (Cloverfield) directs this epic tale chronically the evolution James T. Kirk (Chris Pine) as he enter the Academy and reluctantly follows in the footsteps that led to his father’s untimely death. Alongside his academic foe, Spock (Zachary Quinto), who will later become his greatest ally, he fights to stake claim to his destiny and save the future for all inhabitants of the universe. The strong supporting cast (Bruce Greenwood, Karl Urban, Zoe Saldana, John Cho and Simon Pegg) all contribute their roles as the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise as she sets out to defeat Nero (Eric Bana) and to “explore strange new words, seek out new life-forms and civilizations, and boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Not being a fan of Star Trek, let me start by saying I absolutely loved this movie. So much so I’m going to buy it, and I don’t do that often. I’ve had little exposure to series, but enough through pop culture references and my time spent in Iraq to be aware of the overall story and base characters. I’ve seen two other Star Trek movies (Nemesis and Insurrection) and they both fail in comparison to the grand scale of this one. The young cast, in most cases coming from smaller rolls or TV, does an amazing job of bringing the the characters and their subsequent development to life. The cinematography and special effects will surely compete in the awards at seasons end and I look forward to perhaps a sequel? True Star Trek fans might tear this flick apart, but for us casual folk who just want our $10 worth, you can’t go wrong. Not a fan of Star Trek? Not a fan of Sci-Fi? Don’t worry, you’ll like this movie as it spans many genres and appeals to more than just one group.

8.8/10

Rated: PG-13
127 mins

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Now the sixth movie in the epic Harry Potter series, Dumbledore “once again must ask too much of” Harry, and for what it’s worth, he fails to bring his “A” game to this new chapter of the ever darkening saga.

David Yates is back to direct this next in line tale of an even darker Hogwart’s, one where many young wizards are weary to come back to. Along with their return, an old ally accompanies them and returns to his teaching duties. Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) comes upon a potion book that proudly displays itself as once being the property of “The Half-Blood Prince.” At the same time, forces have put in motion events that could lead to the end of Hogwart’s as we know it. Join the young trio, with Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint), as they attempt to sidestep the comings of life and try to overcome petty jealousy and come together to stand against those who would do the willing of the evil Lord Voldemort.

I’ll come forthright and say it… I didn’t like it. And that’s coming from someone who up until this one, had seen every Potter film opening weekend and enjoyed them all. I haven’t read the books, so the films are all I have to judge by. The film as a whole was everything we’ve come to expect of the franchise; masterful acting, beautiful imagery, amazing special effects. But the story in this one really let me down. It seemed… it seems to be exactly what it is, a primer for the next one, a complete setup. And in that, I felt robbed. So far each film has been able to hold its own independently, though of course viewing the previous chapters helps greatly, it was never mandatory. I feel the next two movies would be hindered without first seeing this one. It tells enough to have you ask why, and just never gets around to giving a straight answer.

7.2/10

Rated: PG
153 mins

The Last Resort (2009)

Drunken bachelorette party in Mexico, what could go wrong? Yeah, didn't see any of this coming.

"Kathleen (Marissa Tait), a bride to be, and her four bridesmaids Sophia (America Olivo, Friday the 13th) Jessica (Arianne Zucker, Days of Our Lives), Beth (Sita Young), and Amber (Paulie Rojas) travel to Mexico in hopes of having a last "hoorah" before the wedding a few weeks away. After partying hard the night before, Sophia splits from the group to pursue Rob (Nick Ballard), a hansom young tourist from the states. The other girls decide to take a tour of the countryside without her, but are robbed and left for dead in a remote rugged terrain. As night falls, the tired and injured girls arrive at an abandon resort and decide to take shelter until morning. When they enter, strange things begin to happen, as the girls become overwhelmed by an unspoken evil that possesses the resort. Back in town, Sophia is worried about her friends and works hard to track them down. After realizing they took a scenic tour, Sophia and Rob do the same, in hopes of finding her lost friends. Sophia and Rob finally discover the resort and attempt to help their friends, but an unspeakable evil has taken control of all who travel to The Resort." Written by Chase Hudson

Some people just don't seem to care how much something sucks do they? Every single one of these actors should have this movie stricken from their resume. America was the only one worth anything, and even then she was better in the Friday the 13th remake. 100% predictable, and totally lame. Even if you could accept everything that was going on, there was no closure to help settle your mind. It was like one horrendously long run-on sentence. I think this was seriously one of the shortest films I've seen in a long time, barely over an hour long? WTF? You mean they didn't have more crappy camera work to fill another twenty minutes or so? Pass. And a shame, I really like the movie art (bikini + bloody knife = potential).

4.2/10

Rated: R
75 mins

A Perfect Getaway (2009)

Honeymooning in a Hawaiian paradise, what could be better? A slick, twisted view through the eyes of a murderous couple... in a Hawaiian paradise, that's what!

From the guy who made Vin Deisel a household name, David Twohy (Below, Pitch Black) comes this seemingly predictable film of "newlyweds Cliff (Steve Zahn, Sahara, Saving Silverman) and Cydney (Milla Jovovich, The 5th Element, Resident Evil) head to the tropical islands of Hawaii. While journeying through the paradisaical countryside the couple encounters Kale and Cleo, two disgruntled hitchhikers and Nick (Timothy Olyphant, Hitman, Live Free or Die Hard) and Gina, two wild but well-meaning spirits who help guide them through the lush jungles. The picturesque waterfalls and scenic mountainsides quickly give way to terror when Cliff and Cydney learn of a grisly murder that occurred nearby and realize that they're being followed by chance acquaintances that suspiciously fit the description of the killers." Summary by: The Massie Twins

100% enjoyable to watch. Acting is great, which you would expect with the cast, cinematography is polished, and the story half-way believable. Because of all that, it's slightly terrifying to think of something like this actually happening. The twist just past the half-way mark was unexpected, as it completely flips the movie and has you on the edge of your seat while you start rooting for the other side. Milla, as always was just a sexy, sand bagging bad-ass... and I loved every minute of it. I also think that Zahn's really pulled of the transformation his character went through extremely well, it was good to see him slightly outside his typical, awkwardly comedic roles I've come accustomed to.

7.4/10

Rated R
98 mins | 108 mins (Unrated Director's Cut)

Understanding My Scoring System

Surely, as some of you read my reviews, you will wonder how I came up with my final score for the feature. So I felt it necessary to divulge my technique. I use nine categories that I grade accordingly and if applicable. After which I divide the total by applicable categories and get a total average score. In doing so, I keep myself from rating movies too high or low based on my initial reaction and/or individual instances throughout the films.

For example. The second Transformer movie received horrible scored reviews, but why? Mainly due to over zealous pricks who felt that just because the story had holes in it, felt the movie deserved to be a 2/10. That's ridiculous. In my system, other film aspects can offset a single bad one.

Here are my categories:

Acting
Director
Special Effects
Twist
Cinematography
Music
Ending
Story
And the last category depends on the type of film. For example if it's a Horror movie, this rating would be judged on how scary it actually is. A comedy, how funny etc etc.

Not all movies will contain certain aspects apply, so those are not counted against it. So as you can see I think my grading system is fair, however biased I am. Bad movies will still end up in the bad range, and good movies in the good range. Marginal movies may end up anywhere on the scale depending on how I feel that day.

So please take all of this with a grain of salt and realize they are just opinions. You may or may not agree with all or any of it, but that's the beauty of living in a free country.

Thanks for your time.